Really?

I'm at a point in the adoption where I just have to scratch my head and say...."really?"  How did I get here and what is happening, where is this going???  I am so confused with my own process as well as everyone elses process right now!  It seems like a no brainer....children needing love ....and families looking to give love  and the proven means to support them and raise them. Hello??

The mystery surrounding this miracle called adoption just has me dumbfounded right now.  Maybe this is a natural part of the process, I don't know.  Like morning sickness and cravings are to a pregnancy, these feelings are just as unpleasant if not more.  Maybe the road to motherhood just all around sucks but the end result is indescribably wonderful and that's just the way it goes and I have to suck it up.....I just wish I had more insight on the process to reassure me.  I hope I read this post one day and laugh because I was holding my child/ren and realize that the pain I went through during the process was nothing compared to the joy I felt at that moment.

What we do to be parents......Home Visit renewal....

We came home about 730pm exhausted after a full day and an hour drive after spending a wonderful day with my cousin and his wife.  We have our homestudy renewal visit tomorrow after 13 months of waiting for our children.    Its at 10 am and we went crazy cleaning the house at 8pm.  Well, as I was cleaning the kitchen, my husband was dusting and vacuuming the rest of the house.....and as I was scrubbing the bathroom and the toilet I thought to myself...."I will do anything it takes to be a parent"....... and  then I thought.......Do others work so hard to prove themselves to be worthy of a child??  Why do we have to go through home visits, medical exams, fingerprints, background checks, financial statements, federal immigration approval, W2's and personal references letters to be worthy to be parents of a child when others can bear children no questions asked??  Must we be so perfect???   Are all parents perfect?? We have so much love to give and there are millions of children that need love so .......I just get frustrated......

Calm

For some reason...I feel a calm.  As anxious as I am for the call, I am cherishing my life  with my husband right now.  Don't get me wrong, I get teary eyed in my car sometimes leaving work with all of my friends talking about their children, giving birth, and getting pregnant.  In my heart of hearts, I know my call for my children will happen on God's time.  I pray every day and know that our blessing will come.  I just hope that they are being hugged and kissed, away from harm, and waiting for us as we are for them.  I hope they know that we are coming with open arms, and when we meet, it will be perfect.

We Belong Together

My husband and I went to an adoption conference this weekend called "Lets talk Adoption"  which was really wonderful.  I got to meet Dr. Jane Aronsen who is an internation adoption guru that I have researched much on the internet.  She was an amazing speaker and I got to speak to her about something that was on my mind....for me...it was like speaking to a celebrity!!  At this conference I bought two childrens books which simply brought tears to my eyes.  One is called "We Belong Together" and the other is " A Blessing from Above".  My husband had to remind me to "keep it together" as I read them at the exhibit with happy tears in my eyes.  What can I say?  As we renew our homestudy and CIS info,  I can't believe how that last year has gone by.  I just pray that every day brings us closer to our children who are also waiting for us.

In the mean time, I have started graduate school and am working on my second published article, life is busy.  But in my heart, my little ones are at the forefront, and wait patiently for them.

Welcome Fall

Fall has always been my favorite season and the northeast has beautiful ones.  The days get shorter, the air gets fresher, the trees change into their brilliant red,yellow and orange.  It reminds me of new beginnings as a child excited to start a new school year with brand new notebooks, pencils, and backpacks.  As we start to say hello to fall I bid summer fair well.  Many fun weekends down the shore with my family will stay with me in my memory.

 The 10 year anniversary of 9-11-01 was a painful one.  The memory of seeing the smoke on my skyline will always be embedded in my brain.  The alarms and sirens are still blaring in my ears. This is my backyard and I woke up every morning for 24 years seeing those beautiful towers downtown.  I still look at the skyline and just can't believe that they are gone.  I was at the WTC one week before this tragedy happened....I pray that everyone who's lives were taken that day is peaceful, and their families find comfort.  My street had a block party on 9-11 to come together as a community and it was a wonderful time.  I met alot of neighbors that I had not had the chance to otherwise meet.  One of my neighbors was part of the cleanup crew for two years following 9-11-01 and had this wagon full of memorabilia.  You can see in the picture a piece of the WTC that he retrieved from the site in the back on the grass. It is airbrushed with the picture of the towers and you can see the huge rivits.  He said it was still hot when he retrieved it.  The moment I saw it my eyes welled up with tears and the hairs stood up on my arms.

We are past the one year mark in our wait for our children but we have been busy:)  I finally, after 12 years of procrastination started Graduate school. YAY....and it is challanging!!!  My husband is working on his MBA and busy as well.  We are enjoying eachother and our life in the present but still pass that empty room everyday and try to be patient.  For right now........its all about Football!! Go Dolphins!!!!!

Redemption

So, after feeling guilty for having such a negative post up for so long....a new one is in order....:)  My Hubby and I have a new love......biking...we have been biking after work and it has been awesome. We bought mountain bikes and helmets much to his dismay....but as an OR nurse.... I insisted!!!!  My helmet is a pretty mix of blue:)  Although, as a former regular biker as a child on the streets of NA (Nic will understand) boy am I out of shape!!!! Whoah my legs are so out of shape!!!!But It feels great to be a kid again on the streets jumping the curb and riding standing up with the wind on your face:)

We also split the bunk beds up into two twins and I love the way it looks in the room.  I just wish I could decorate more......Ahhh....just have to wait...the word we all hate!!!!!! My momma-in laws blankets remain on the beds:)  My nephews stayed overnight last saturday and loved the beds but can't wait for their cousins to come home!!

My love tonight goes out to my dear friend Nicole who is braving chemotherapy treaments and shows me courage and strength every day.  You are an inspiration.

Vent Session

Vent Session in order...........Well I need to  apoligize that I am NOT a huge talker at all and i can barely get out one post a month........So here is August in a nutshell........much depression and anguish and basically feeling sorry for myself as many of the families are in Poland with your little ones(Much love to you and your hapiness gives me hope:)  Also.....I am surrounded by mothers at all times talking about strollers, potty training and play dates and it drives me nuts!! But I sit here with a huge question mark on my forehead instead of a pregnant belly and nonone understands that I am expecting too!!, ........I am dedicaed to learning more Polish and learning much from everyone so thank you very much,,,,,,,I just wait with that stupid question mark and it drives me nuts...we took down the bunk beds and split them into 2 twins which look so adorable in the room. I just can wait to decorate boy boy /....boy /girl...  or girl girl. I feel like closing the door to that room.....Homestudy renewal this month......... God Bless all of the new families and please pray that mine will come together as it should. I apologize for the negativity my friends....im jut feeling not so chipper these days.

Ode to Poland

So far the summer has been filled with highs and lows for us.  First I guess ill start on a high note.  We have been spending lots of time with our family at my parents shore house.  The days down there begin with a cup of coffee and paddle boat ride which is always good for the soul if you ask me....then its splish slash in the pool practically all day with my nephews until we get pruney....then we usually take a short boat ride with my dad and scream at him to slow down the whole time(not very relaxing) then after dinner we have a heated scrabble tournament on the back patio and there is always a sore loser involved!!  Good times.  My husband landed a great new job with amazing adoption benefits so that is a wonderful thing....and I got a new car on Friday which I love!!!! Its my "cool mommy" car that the kids will be cruising in....I lovingly named her Pippa after Kate Middletons sister.(I'm obsessed with the royals and yes I know that I am a dork)

On the other hand, we have had to deal with some not so great things as well.  First, my oldest and dearest friend was diagnosed with breast cancer which was quite a blow for everyone.  I saw her through her surgery and she now prepares for chemotherapy and radiation.  She has shown courage and strength like I have never seen in anyone before.  She is an inspiration to not only woman diagnosed with breast cancer, but all women.  Her strength has resonated into my own life journey with the adoption. (Thanks Nic)  She has an amazing blog that I encourage you to read nmalato.blogspot.com.

We also received within the last few weeks a referral that we unfortunately had to turn down because it was not a fit for our family.  I had a really rough time because for a moment, maybe about 60 sec, I thought my children were waiting for me and it finally was "Our time".  It just stirred up so much emotion that I had been putting aside all these months of waiting.  It was also very hard on my mother who wants nothing more than my children to be with me and my husband.

Anyway its great to see so many families on there way to or from Poland lately.  Its nice to know that things are going well with US-Poland adoptions and its only a matter of time for us to hear some good news.  I look forward to everyones updates and especially pictures!  I want to share some pics of my flowers around my house.....ALL RED AND WHITE!!!....my personal "Ode to Poland" if you will...hehehe

Happy Soon-to-Be Father's Father's Day!!

Im going to dedicate this post to all the soon-to-be Fathers out there and wish you a very Happy Fathers Day!! (My husband Nick, Tom, Sean and everyone else.)  Like the Soon-to-be adoptive Moms(like myself) who missed out on Mothers day wishes as I wait for my children, I would like to recognize all the Soon to be Dads that have their children in their hearts but not in there arms just yet.  Daddys wait blindly with no due date for their children to be with them and their hearts swell with love thinking of the day "The Phonecall" comes.  Daddys, this day is for you too!!

Here we are....

I just wanted to do an update up since its been a while since my last post.  First I would like to say a big Congratulations to Brooke and Tracy for being united with their children.  This thing called adoption is truly a miracle of God.  Your happiness after your time of being patient is clearly shown!  May God Bless your families.

Well, we got some good news in the last week. My husband is changing companies and has been offered a wonderful position at a great company!  He starts next week and we could certainly use some good news in the family!  Its much closer to home which is wonderful beacuse he will be home earlier in the evening(which is great for when the children come.) A well needed long weekend is arriving and we were invited to a BBQ with 4 other families that have either adopted from Poland or are waiting to.  I am really looking forward to having some shoulders to lean on.  I speak to some of these Moms on the phone and they are a world of support:)

Not much new on the adoption front.  We are into our 9th month yet are remaining patient....finishing the basement playroom and getting rid of alot of junk that was neglected when we moved in 3 years ago.....as my Mother says..."your getting rid of the old junk for the new kiddie junk."  I guess we are lol.:)  We got the bunks delivered and I must say....This Mommie is a little worried that the top bunk looks way high ......My nerves are shot already:)  If the children are too young we are simply going to split them into 2 twins so I am not too worried. The new carpet looks great, we painted neutral and didnt do much more until we know for sure.  We didnt tell our neighbors yet that we are adopting so who knows what they thought when the "Kiddie World" truck pulled into our driveway lol:)  For now, we have placed two quilts that my Mother in Law quilted on the beds.  I think it gives US that sense of much needed Mommy comfort....your never too old for your Mommy!!

Clouds

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter Sunday.  I was reading some excerpts from my Womans Devotional Bible that I wanted to share.  It is a devotional reading by Amy Carmichael and it was placed in Psalms.  I have always found comfort of spirit in Psalms and I often read this devotional except when Im feeling down.

     "This evening the clouds lay low on the mountains so that sometimes we could hardly see the familiar peaks.  Sometimes the stars, too, were nearly covered.  But always, just when it seemed as though the mountains were going to be quite lost in the mist, the higher peaks pushed out, and whereas the dimmer stars were veiled, the brighter ones shone through.
      Even supposing the clouds had wholly covered the face of the mountains, and not a star shone through the piled up masses, the mountains would have stood steadfast and the stars would not have ceased to shine.
     Just so, our feelings do not cover up God's facts.  They may blow up like clouds, and cover the eternal things that we do most truely believe.We may not see the shinning of the promises- but they still shine! And the strength of the hills that is his also, is not for one moment less because of our human weaknesses."

Just because I can't see the stars or mountaintops sometimes because of the clouds....I know that they are still there.  My faith is strong as the mountain and as bright as a star that God's timing is perfect.

Kids room!

Progress!  We are getting our bedroom carpet installed tomorrow!!  Our guest bedroom where my in laws stay is officially becoming the children's room. We have painted it, stained the doors and moved everything out.   I must say, when we moved in 3 years ago I told my husband that we were not going to do anything with this room until I was pregnant.  Well, I feel fat and bloated, hormonal, sensitive, and my children may not be in my belly but they are growing in my heart....every day.  The bunk beds are going to be delivered maybe in a week or so.    This weekend we changed the ceiling fan for a light fixture since the top bunk will be an issue. We are going to keep them as 2 twin beds for now so when my in laws visit from out of town, which they do often, no one will have to sleep on the top bunk...lol!

Spring has finally sprung here in the Northeast (thank God because its been a harsh winter). I look forward to getting outside in the dirt and getting my garden in order.  Springtime always renews my spirit and recharges my mind and this spring is no exception.  Ive also started jogging to try to get rid of those extra winter pounds and get ready for summer!

 I now watch my 2 nephews on Tuesdays and Wednesdays which is great practice for my husband and I taking care of small children.  Its so nice to come home from work and see those two.  My sister tells me how excited they are to come here every week and it makes me so happy. My 6 year old nephew is sooo excited about the bunk beds and has already asked me about sleep overs with his cousins:)  My Mother is getting more impatient than I am about her little Polish grandchildren.  Time for us is actually going pretty fast because we have been busy.  As I said before, sometimes I feel in denial that this is actually going to happen!....Maybe its just a defense mechanism that my mind is using so I don't get stressed out.  Yay for defense mechanisms!!!!  LOL.  I still constantly wonder where my children are now.  I feel privileged to be able to share in everyones family story here and it gives nothing but hope!  I hope everyone waiting is keeping busy and doing well.  I hope all of the families here are bursting with joy and enjoying their little ones.

During the numerous discussion of our plans when the children arrive, we have untimately decided to have them share a bedroom.  After thinking about it at length, we feel that as siblings in a whole new world with all new people, that the children would feel comforted to share a bedroom at least for a few months to a year.  One of the reasons that we decided to adopt siblings is because we feel that it will be wonderful for them to go through life together.  All the love and nurturing in the world may not help them at some point in their life feel an identity crisis, not knowing a biological relative. I comforts me, this mom to be, to know that they will ALWAYS have eachother, even after my husband and I pass on.( not to sound morbid)

 Last weekend, my husband and I were casually looking through children's furniture stores to explore our options.  I must say...it felt soooo good to feel like a mom and dad for us.  We were having a ball when we spotted bunk beds that we LOVED!!!!!  They were solid Ash wood (one of the strongest woods) and the  rail on the top bunk was very high( which made mom feel good!)  They are able to be separated into 2 separate twin sized beds when the time comes as well. It seemed like the stars aligned as well becasue they were on sale!!!  So we went for it!!!  We did question ourselves because of the uncertainty of when a referral might come...it still might be a while.  But in our heads.....we were positive in thinking......Its really going to happen!!!!!  And it gave us a great boost of happiness in our 6th month of wait.

This is the pic I took inside the store when we bought it!!!!!

Today, I also began to put together photobooks for the children.  I finally found adorable little photobooks at a local store approprate for toddlers.  I started to sort through my thousands of family photos and decide which ones I should include so our children can see their forever family and home for the first time!  I plan on keeping the photobooks with them in Poland until we return for our second trip to bring them home! Our cousin did this with her two boys adopted in Russia 10 years ago and she said it was a big hit with them. Their caregivers said the they would look at the pictures everyday!

Jak sie masz

So, on the advice of my Polish blogging buddies(thank you everyone)  I have been studying Polish using Pimsleur and I have to admit that I really love it.  Just the fact that I can listen to and from work is great!!  The Rosetta Stone is good for building vocabular but the Pimsleur really helps you to speak. As Kara had said, if learning things like "The woman is buying three white shirts" would help me speak to my children it would be great but I would rather learn "Bardzo Dobry!" I have several friends and co-workers that are fluent in Polish and I tried some out on them and THEY ARE SO IMPRESSED!!!  Of course I am only on unit three and so can say "I undersatnd Polish a little" and "I am American" but nontheless they were shocked. To a Polish man that I have never spoken Polish to at work I said "Dzien dobry"and he smiled and said "Jak sie masz".  But when I relpied in Polish with "very good, and you?"  his head spun around like HUH???  It was great!  I can't wait to rock some out in Poland! HaHaHa.

I have also been on the hunt fro some Polish childrens songs.  Does anyone have any sugestions?.  In an older Post I reccommened the website mamlisasworld.com.  Its a great site and has childrens songs from Poland with translations:)

Thank God for weekends......

So to beat the winter blues, my husband and I went across the river to NYC to see a broadway show.  Being that my husband is a HUGE football fan, I bought him tickets to see Lombardi on Broadway at the Circle in the Square theater in Times Square.  It was based on the life of Vince Lombardi, one of the greatest coaches of all time, and the namesake of the Vince Lombardi trophy which is given to the Superbowl champions every year.  It is very ironic that he made himself a name as the coach of the Green Bay Packers, the Superbowl Champions this year!!!  It was an awesome play and we were in the 2nd row.  Since Im sure most of you guys are of my generation you would be excited to know that Judith Light(mom from Who's the Boss) and Dan Lauria(Dad from the Wonder Years) starred in it and we were only a few feet away.  (Can you tell I was excited?)

As we were walking out of the play, I had the opportunity to help a man who was having a heart attack at the theater..I know that might sound weird as a general statement but I am a registered nurse and just jumped into action without a second thought!! EMS arrived shortly after and I hope he is doing well....It made me very proud of my profession.

Super Bowl Sunday was hosted at my house with my family and my two nephews provided us with tons of entertainment dancing like crazy goofballs to the Black Eyed Peas halftime show in their pajamas:)   I have already taught them "Stolat" and they can't wait to teach their cousins from Poland everything they need to know about being in the famiy and being an American!

Today marks 5 months of waiting

My husband tells me that we should just live our lives as normal during this waiting period.  Go on day to day as if nothing was out of the ordinary so as not to get stresed out about the waiting.  He doesn't want me get upset or anxious.  I have a very hard time with that.  Every day I think about my little ones.  Where they born yet?  Where are they?  Who is taking care of them?  Are they hurting?  I already feel that "mother bear" instinct and it feels so natural.  My heart is so overflowing with love for my children to be I feel as if its going to burst!  I just can't wait to look into their eyes for the first time and tell them they are safe and how much they are loved.  Thinking of that moment makes me so happy as I tell myself.."be patient".

There are so many wonderful Polish adoption blogs and Im so glad to hear everyone sharing their stories.  It makes me feel less isolated.  Especially because adpotion from Poland is not a very 'hot topic" in the adoption world.  I have added myself to follow many of you and feel free to leave comments on my page.

In other news we ordered the carpet for the childrens rooms!  Stain resistant of course!!!:)  We are preparing for another ice/snow storm tonight...UGH....spring can't come fast enough!

Such a freshman Blogger....

I realize that I am so very far behind with this blogging buisness.  Most of you guys starting blogging when you first started your process and had a place to vent your frustrations.  Unfortuately being the control freak/ stress bag that I am, during the whole process from May to Sept when we were in the thick of our paper trail, I could not concentrate on anything but the paperwork.  It consumed me and my poor husband was the one whom I vented to. This is our neatly binded two inch thick adoption paperwork that has been sitting with dust on it for 4 months:)  It has EVERYTHING in it!!  Binded of course because I can be a knucklehead at times and dont want to loose anything. (told you I'm a control freak:)

 Now we are in the 4th month of our wait and bored of just doing my Polish lessons on Rosetta Stone and in the car to and from work.  Being buried under 2+ feet of snow does not help either.  So now that I don't have paperwork to frustrate me, I have this blog thing that I am having a very hard time figuring out!!!  Ugh....lol. 

I was on facebook but deleted my account because people simply had silly things to say. But at the same time found myself so interested in the silly comments and was spending too much of my day reading status updates...Does anyone else feel that way?? At least reading the blogs it is nice to hear the stories of other families that are going through the same process.
I have also been trying to find children songs in Polish.  I would like to know a few at the least to be able to soothe my children while in Poland if they were frightened or upset.  Can anyone suggest some?  I found a nice website with translation if anyone is interested.
http://www.mamalisa.com/?p=664&t=ec&c=70

Lets start from the beginning...

Well, we are in our 4 th month of waiting for a referral from Poland for two children and I must say it hasn't been too bad yet. I have been keeping busy learning Polish and reading EVERYTHING I possibly can on being an adoptive parent and how to nurture adoptive children.  The love part of course comes easy.  I also have been spending alot of time on You Tube watching other people's adoption videos and I must say, it has really been wonderful to get to do so.  Ive realized that It really will happen!  It is a priviledge to be able to share in other families journeys and I highly recommend it!  Get you Kleenex ready though! Im starting this blog to be able to communicate with and support some other families going throgh the process of adoption from Poland.  I have read some wonderful blogs and I want to be able to share our journey as well.

Well, keep warm everyone.  Everyone in the northeast ahs been dumped with some major snow in the last few weeks.  My poor Frosty the snowman lawn decoration from Christmas is so buried under snow right now he will probably not get out till March!!!