New beginnings and endings........

Well, with a broken heart, I say that our adoption from Poland is not going to take place for reasons out of our control. Since it has been pretty quiet on the Polish blog sphere lately, I'm sure many of you know what I mean.  After two years of emotional investment in Poland, God has told us that our child is not there, and must be somewhere else in this world.  We are moving on in our adoption journey to our child, and hopefully will be shown our path to parenthood.  We hold hold our heads up high, are thankful for the blessings we have, and look forward to the future.......The Lord is leading our  new path, and we gratefully welcome him to do so.

We will update all of our adoptive blog friends on our journey...please stay in touch.......Prayers and many hugs to all of you!!!

Ahrr.....

I am going into 2012 like a rogue pirate with my two nephews by my side to keep me sane!  This picture was taken at halloween when we had a power outage in our area and my sister, husband, and her boys had to live with me for 4 days and it was wonderful. Its been such an emotional 2011, waiting for our children and with the losses of two Godfathers,  I happy to say goodbye forever to that year.  I have enjoyed so many wonderful times with my family which keep me sane through the dark wait and all of the questions and emotions that come along with it.

 I got an A in my first graduate class, was published in a professional journal, and just submitted a second article to that journal:)  My darling husband is halfway through his MBA/CPA and is working on marketing his delicious hot sauce to the public!

I don't know where 2012 will lead us, but we keep the optimism that our Lord knows what best for us as he continues to bring us happiness together in our lives.  Whether that leads us to our children, we don't know.  But we do know that we are blessed.  We keep the faith that our children are also waiting for us, and know that the Lord has our plan laid out, and we will have to trust in him, and continue to enjoy what he has already given us.  I hope everyone had a blessed holiday and please know that my prayers are with you and your families, as well the families waiting to be together.

Really?

I'm at a point in the adoption where I just have to scratch my head and say...."really?"  How did I get here and what is happening, where is this going???  I am so confused with my own process as well as everyone elses process right now!  It seems like a no brainer....children needing love ....and families looking to give love  and the proven means to support them and raise them. Hello??

The mystery surrounding this miracle called adoption just has me dumbfounded right now.  Maybe this is a natural part of the process, I don't know.  Like morning sickness and cravings are to a pregnancy, these feelings are just as unpleasant if not more.  Maybe the road to motherhood just all around sucks but the end result is indescribably wonderful and that's just the way it goes and I have to suck it up.....I just wish I had more insight on the process to reassure me.  I hope I read this post one day and laugh because I was holding my child/ren and realize that the pain I went through during the process was nothing compared to the joy I felt at that moment.

What we do to be parents......Home Visit renewal....

We came home about 730pm exhausted after a full day and an hour drive after spending a wonderful day with my cousin and his wife.  We have our homestudy renewal visit tomorrow after 13 months of waiting for our children.    Its at 10 am and we went crazy cleaning the house at 8pm.  Well, as I was cleaning the kitchen, my husband was dusting and vacuuming the rest of the house.....and as I was scrubbing the bathroom and the toilet I thought to myself...."I will do anything it takes to be a parent"....... and  then I thought.......Do others work so hard to prove themselves to be worthy of a child??  Why do we have to go through home visits, medical exams, fingerprints, background checks, financial statements, federal immigration approval, W2's and personal references letters to be worthy to be parents of a child when others can bear children no questions asked??  Must we be so perfect???   Are all parents perfect?? We have so much love to give and there are millions of children that need love so .......I just get frustrated......

Calm

For some reason...I feel a calm.  As anxious as I am for the call, I am cherishing my life  with my husband right now.  Don't get me wrong, I get teary eyed in my car sometimes leaving work with all of my friends talking about their children, giving birth, and getting pregnant.  In my heart of hearts, I know my call for my children will happen on God's time.  I pray every day and know that our blessing will come.  I just hope that they are being hugged and kissed, away from harm, and waiting for us as we are for them.  I hope they know that we are coming with open arms, and when we meet, it will be perfect.

We Belong Together

My husband and I went to an adoption conference this weekend called "Lets talk Adoption"  which was really wonderful.  I got to meet Dr. Jane Aronsen who is an internation adoption guru that I have researched much on the internet.  She was an amazing speaker and I got to speak to her about something that was on my mind....for me...it was like speaking to a celebrity!!  At this conference I bought two childrens books which simply brought tears to my eyes.  One is called "We Belong Together" and the other is " A Blessing from Above".  My husband had to remind me to "keep it together" as I read them at the exhibit with happy tears in my eyes.  What can I say?  As we renew our homestudy and CIS info,  I can't believe how that last year has gone by.  I just pray that every day brings us closer to our children who are also waiting for us.

In the mean time, I have started graduate school and am working on my second published article, life is busy.  But in my heart, my little ones are at the forefront, and wait patiently for them.

Welcome Fall

Fall has always been my favorite season and the northeast has beautiful ones.  The days get shorter, the air gets fresher, the trees change into their brilliant red,yellow and orange.  It reminds me of new beginnings as a child excited to start a new school year with brand new notebooks, pencils, and backpacks.  As we start to say hello to fall I bid summer fair well.  Many fun weekends down the shore with my family will stay with me in my memory.

 The 10 year anniversary of 9-11-01 was a painful one.  The memory of seeing the smoke on my skyline will always be embedded in my brain.  The alarms and sirens are still blaring in my ears. This is my backyard and I woke up every morning for 24 years seeing those beautiful towers downtown.  I still look at the skyline and just can't believe that they are gone.  I was at the WTC one week before this tragedy happened....I pray that everyone who's lives were taken that day is peaceful, and their families find comfort.  My street had a block party on 9-11 to come together as a community and it was a wonderful time.  I met alot of neighbors that I had not had the chance to otherwise meet.  One of my neighbors was part of the cleanup crew for two years following 9-11-01 and had this wagon full of memorabilia.  You can see in the picture a piece of the WTC that he retrieved from the site in the back on the grass. It is airbrushed with the picture of the towers and you can see the huge rivits.  He said it was still hot when he retrieved it.  The moment I saw it my eyes welled up with tears and the hairs stood up on my arms.

We are past the one year mark in our wait for our children but we have been busy:)  I finally, after 12 years of procrastination started Graduate school. YAY....and it is challanging!!!  My husband is working on his MBA and busy as well.  We are enjoying eachother and our life in the present but still pass that empty room everyday and try to be patient.  For right now........its all about Football!! Go Dolphins!!!!!

Redemption

So, after feeling guilty for having such a negative post up for so long....a new one is in order....:)  My Hubby and I have a new love......biking...we have been biking after work and it has been awesome. We bought mountain bikes and helmets much to his dismay....but as an OR nurse.... I insisted!!!!  My helmet is a pretty mix of blue:)  Although, as a former regular biker as a child on the streets of NA (Nic will understand) boy am I out of shape!!!! Whoah my legs are so out of shape!!!!But It feels great to be a kid again on the streets jumping the curb and riding standing up with the wind on your face:)

We also split the bunk beds up into two twins and I love the way it looks in the room.  I just wish I could decorate more......Ahhh....just have to wait...the word we all hate!!!!!! My momma-in laws blankets remain on the beds:)  My nephews stayed overnight last saturday and loved the beds but can't wait for their cousins to come home!!

My love tonight goes out to my dear friend Nicole who is braving chemotherapy treaments and shows me courage and strength every day.  You are an inspiration.

Vent Session

Vent Session in order...........Well I need to  apoligize that I am NOT a huge talker at all and i can barely get out one post a month........So here is August in a nutshell........much depression and anguish and basically feeling sorry for myself as many of the families are in Poland with your little ones(Much love to you and your hapiness gives me hope:)  Also.....I am surrounded by mothers at all times talking about strollers, potty training and play dates and it drives me nuts!! But I sit here with a huge question mark on my forehead instead of a pregnant belly and nonone understands that I am expecting too!!, ........I am dedicaed to learning more Polish and learning much from everyone so thank you very much,,,,,,,I just wait with that stupid question mark and it drives me nuts...we took down the bunk beds and split them into 2 twins which look so adorable in the room. I just can wait to decorate boy boy /....boy /girl...  or girl girl. I feel like closing the door to that room.....Homestudy renewal this month......... God Bless all of the new families and please pray that mine will come together as it should. I apologize for the negativity my friends....im jut feeling not so chipper these days.

Ode to Poland

So far the summer has been filled with highs and lows for us.  First I guess ill start on a high note.  We have been spending lots of time with our family at my parents shore house.  The days down there begin with a cup of coffee and paddle boat ride which is always good for the soul if you ask me....then its splish slash in the pool practically all day with my nephews until we get pruney....then we usually take a short boat ride with my dad and scream at him to slow down the whole time(not very relaxing) then after dinner we have a heated scrabble tournament on the back patio and there is always a sore loser involved!!  Good times.  My husband landed a great new job with amazing adoption benefits so that is a wonderful thing....and I got a new car on Friday which I love!!!! Its my "cool mommy" car that the kids will be cruising in....I lovingly named her Pippa after Kate Middletons sister.(I'm obsessed with the royals and yes I know that I am a dork)

On the other hand, we have had to deal with some not so great things as well.  First, my oldest and dearest friend was diagnosed with breast cancer which was quite a blow for everyone.  I saw her through her surgery and she now prepares for chemotherapy and radiation.  She has shown courage and strength like I have never seen in anyone before.  She is an inspiration to not only woman diagnosed with breast cancer, but all women.  Her strength has resonated into my own life journey with the adoption. (Thanks Nic)  She has an amazing blog that I encourage you to read nmalato.blogspot.com.

We also received within the last few weeks a referral that we unfortunately had to turn down because it was not a fit for our family.  I had a really rough time because for a moment, maybe about 60 sec, I thought my children were waiting for me and it finally was "Our time".  It just stirred up so much emotion that I had been putting aside all these months of waiting.  It was also very hard on my mother who wants nothing more than my children to be with me and my husband.

Anyway its great to see so many families on there way to or from Poland lately.  Its nice to know that things are going well with US-Poland adoptions and its only a matter of time for us to hear some good news.  I look forward to everyones updates and especially pictures!  I want to share some pics of my flowers around my house.....ALL RED AND WHITE!!!....my personal "Ode to Poland" if you will...hehehe